What made this all the more interesting/DEPRESSING was the fact that I was uploading the pictures I'd taken of these two that same day at the zoo. So, here they are almost exactly 3 years later...
So, I ask, when in the heck did these two get so dang big???? Every day of the last three years, I tell myself.
This isn't the first time it's hit me, you know, that these ladies are growing up. Sometimes I go in their room at night to pray for them and get struck with such sadness that the girls I'm looking at won't be the same girls that I wake up to in the morning. They are changing every moment, growing, maturing, turning into the people they're going to grow up to be. You might say I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. The problem is that it happens so gradually that you forget it's happening.
The truth is that the other thing that hits me when I go into their room at night is all the ways I've failed them or missed out on time spent with them that day. Most times I desperately want to wake them up, hug them, and tell them I'm so sorry for all my failures. I want to remind them that I love them, even though my actions quite probably make them feel like I love my computer, my cell phone, or myself more than them. I've tried doing this from time to time, but they are really hard to wake up!!
How much does this also apply to The Man? He's my husband, for crying out loud, and how often do I treat him with even greater disregard than I ever treat the girls? The problem is that he doesn't look nearly as cute when he's sleeping, so I don't get a dose of this on a nightly basis...hehehe. But he's getting older every day too. Yep, all that grey hair in his beard is a testimony to that! I look back sometimes on old pictures of us (like our wedding...10 years ago!!!!) and wonder what happened to those kids. We were kids. We wouldn't have told you that then, but we were. The more time that passes the more I realize that we're still a couple of immature kids now who actually know so little of much of anything. Is there a point in time when you're supposed to feel grown up? To have some level of wisdom?
Whether we feel it or not, grown up is what we become. It just sort of happens.
So a few things occur to me now that I'm reflecting on all this.
I went to the Good Friday service with my church this morning. To be totally honest, I haven't been going to church services as regularly as I know I should (and by should I mean that I desperately NEED that time of corporate worship, not that my church attendance does anything to make me a Christian or not. I should go because I want to be involved in anything to helps me to grow in my relationship with Christ). There have been weeks when I knew I had failed my God miserably. I have honestly thought to myself, "I act like THIS all week and then expect to go worship??" I know that is totally forgetting grace, isn't it? But don't we all go through times when Shame and Condemnation attack us and our Lord's beautiful grace seems like it could never make us clean or blameless? Or what about times when we see ourselves for who we are and see God for who he is and realize how small and filthy we are to him? Approaching him at times like these just seems unthinkable.
Then there have also been times, like last week, when we just can't seem to get ready fast enough and, before I know it, church started 5 minutes ago and we all three still have wet hair. Then mommy gets upset and then the girls get upset and then it's just emotional breakdown time. Oh yes, 3 girls in one house equals a lot of emotion (especially when the little ladies seem to be just about as emotional as their poor mommy...oh, to be more practical and logical and less flimsy and emotional!).
Back to what I was saying about going to church. I wasn't raised celebrating Easter. I honestly have no interest in arguing over paganism, etc. I will say that egg hunts and bunnies just might have no place in this holiday, but taking a special day to remember (as we ought to every day) what God did for us can be so powerful. Standing in that old building raising our voices as we sing "Amazing Love" and "Amazing Grace" and remembering the price the perfect Son of God paid to redeem us was pretty powerful for me this morning.
Amazing love how can it be/That you my King would die for me
Amazing grace how sweet the sound/That saved a wretch like me
Wow. Now that is how to silence the voices of Condemnation and Shame. Basking in the boundless love God has for us, represented in Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, has a way of reminding us that though we are indeed in a process of sanctification (and should strive to become more like Jesus), we are still, despite all our daily failures, clean and justified in Christ Jesus. Now, is there any better news than that? But what does that mean? It means that we--wretched and sinful as we may remain despite being "new men"--can confidently and boldly approach God because Jesus already paid the price and we, though undeserving, get his righteousness.
I guess I don't know how to sum this up. I've kind of rambled on with no real rhyme or reason. Maybe I'll just say that because of Jesus' death and resurrection I can be happy despite my failures and despite the fact that my girls are growing up. The reign of death has ended and I am confident in my hope that when Jesus returns I'll forever be with my sweet, sweet family.
No comments:
Post a Comment