Food and Fitness Update

Happy Easter, everyone!

I'm so totally pooped. I did my typical Body Combat class this evening but then, afterwards, I began the first installation of what is going to be my new fitness regime. See, a lot of the websites I've been going to for recipe inspiration for our new dietary requirements (more on that later) have also talked quite a bit about fitness. Intrigued, I began reading more.

It isn't that I feel totally out of shape or anything. I guess I'm in relatively good shape. However, I AM one of those people who have sold into the whole calorie burn, cardio crazy thing. I've always been that way. I lift weights, but it's always secondary to cardio. Back when I used to teach, I was super focused on interval training. I've lost that in the last few years, though, and, when I began focusing on running predominantly when we moved here, thought more of distance, time and endurance.

Though I feel fairly fit and look alright, I'd like to see MUCH greater returns on my time working out. I do love exercising, but exercising, it seems to me, is not so much about enjoying the simple act of exercising. It's about getting fitter and healthier so you can enjoy life more. It's about having more energy for your family and for pursuits outside of the gym. If you're spending loads of time on the bike of the treadmill, wearing yourself out, but not seeing much change in your body, then something has to change. You're not feeling energized for other things AND your not seeing results...so why continue?

So here's the conclusion I've come to. Now, this is a tough one for me because, having it drilled into my head from a very young age with my mom's dieting habits that calorie consumption (focusing just on calories and not quality of calories) versus calorie expenditure is everything, I find myself terrified of not burning a certain amount of calories every day in my cardio workouts. With an overhaul of my primarily carb diet (though they were "good" carbs) and learning to actually listen to my body about how what I eat makes me feel, I decided that it's time to change my workouts as well. What this will mean, then, is a much greater focus on weight training (at the expense of cardio training) as well as getting most of my cardio using Sprint 8 (Dr. Mercola uses this but calls it Peak 8). All this is based on the fact that these two types of exercises actually stimulate your metabolism (rather than plain aerobics which leads to no extra calorie burn after you're finished) and also encourage the release of hGH, which is what you want. I've also decided to take Mercola's advice on how to eat right before and after workouts so that you can maximize hGH rather than killing it with a carb snack (causing an insulin spike) after working out.

I have decided, however, to keep a couple Combat classes in there because they're just so much fun! :)

So I did Combat then I did my first session of Sprint 8 in the elliptical machine. I feel worn out after that. I think I'm gonna have to break my HR monitor back out to keep track of my HR better during the sprints so I know I'm working as hard as I should be. I guess I'll hit the weights on Tuesday...UGH. I just don't enjoy weight training. It huuuuuurts. :)

The foundation of all this, however, would be the dietary changes I've made for the girls and, therefore, for myself also. We have successfully completely cut out ALL refined sugar as well as grains. I bake using coconut or almond flour. We've come up with some very nice treats using either dates or honey or xylitol, in extreme moderation. The girls have been very happy with this. It's meant lots of hours in the kitchen creating, but it's been worth it.

I went through the fridge and threw away everything--I mean EVERYTHING--that was processed. This means mayo, mustard, ketchup, pickles (they have HFCS...CRAZY), etc. I would cut out pasteurized milk and cheese, but I don't know where to get raw milk, cheese, or butter around here. So we've simply limited dairy to the extreme smallest amount, though I've cut it out for myself almost completely. I've also began buying only organic produce and products as much as is possible and available. I got toothpaste without fluoride or other nasties and replaced all our personal care products, like deodorant and lotions, with products that are chemical free and organic.

I've spent HOURS in the kitchen ever since making every single meal from scratch because there just ain't no packaged, easy food (except nuts I guess...but those get old real fast!) that fits into our dietary guidelines.

Oh, we also cut out legumes (at least for the time being) as well as potatoes and other starchy vegetables. Corn is out since it's really more of a grain anyway. We've also seriously limited fruit and reserved it mostly for sweetening yummy treats.

So what has all this accomplished? Well, let me tell you!! It has been extremely successful for all three of us that I am more committed than ever to doing what it takes to feed myself and my family this way indefinitely. Jordyn, who was really the catalyst for this, has done a complete 180. I don't feel it's right to talk here about what she's been dealing with, but just know there are some massive changes that, honestly, nearly bring me to tears. Maddy has also shown decreased moodiness (oh baby, that kid was moody) and greater energy (they both have). They are sleeping PERFECTLY (and will tell you so) and are feeling stronger and healthier (they'll tell you that too). I'm feel more energetic and have said a complete goodbye to my energy crashes that I'd experience several times a day. My digestion has gone from still sort of dodgy to perfection. Jordyn has also stopped complaining of stomach pain.

Oh, and this is for my sisters... Remember the rough bumps we'd get on the back of our arms? Jordyn has those something fierce and they are now slowly going away. She is so thrilled because they really bothered her.

So this is how we will continue eating. Is it tough? Ya. I mean, when all the other kids are getting Easter eggs, they aren't. We have been making plenty of treats at home, so they aways know we'll be making something yummy. Hence, no deprivation. I'm not sure how, for instance, we'll deal with it when we visit home. We won't be going out to eat (unless it's a place that serves food within our guidelines...and how many places are like that???) and we won't be able to indulge in the same fare that friends and family might be...like ANY fast food, packaged foods (yep, mac and cheese is OUT except for my homemade stuff), hot dogs, sandwich meat, packaged seasoning mixes, condiments like mayo other than what I make for them at home, etc. But, you know, that's ok. I talked to Jordyn about that a little tonight and she said, "it's okay, mommy, we can just bring our own food." I was like, "ya." Jordyn. Such a fount of wisdom! :)

Since I'm feeling rather shattered from my intervals this evening, I think I'd best be going to bed. First, however, I'd like to share the pizza crust recipe I've come up with. The girls and I all LOVE it. Now, don't expect it to be exactly like Pizza Hut or anything (and if you want it to taste like Pizza Hut there might be bigger problems). There is a certain stretchy-ness that is lost when gluten is lost, but I'll trade health for stretch. There is a coconuty sweetness that is so fab against the saltiness of, say, some sauteed veggies and quality cheese you might top this with. We've been enjoying spreading some tomato paste and then topping with sauteed onion, pepper, loads of garlic and then some buffalo mozzarella or goat cheese. Sometimes I'll throw some kale into the pan also. Yum.

So here it is...

1 1/4 C almond flour
1/4 C coconut flour
3 flax eggs (3 TBSP flax meal just covered in boiling water and allowed to set for about 2 min)
2 TBSP coconut oil or coconut butter (unrefined)
1/4 tsp baking soda
Salt to taste (try investing in some super good quality salt, like Himalayan salt)

Throw all of it into a bowl and mix well. If it's dry add a little more coconut oil or maybe a little warm water. Plop into a baking sheet covered in parchment paper and kneed a little bit. Cover with another sheet of parchment and roll it out. Once it's flat you can use your hands to create a crust. Bake at 200 C (that's about 390 F) for 10-15 minutes. Remove, top with whatever you fancy and bake until cheese is melted or your toppings are done.

Hope anyone who tries this enjoys it as much as we have been. It makes a great base for a breakfast pizza as well!!

Sorry for any typos. I'm way too tired to be OCD about it.

I was messing around last week and found the photos from our trip to Wales in the spring of 2008. Look at these girls!! Maddy was 2 and Jordyn was 4.



What made this all the more interesting/DEPRESSING was the fact that I was uploading the pictures I'd taken of these two that same day at the zoo. So, here they are almost exactly 3 years later...

So, I ask, when in the heck did these two get so dang big???? Every day of the last three years, I tell myself.

This isn't the first time it's hit me, you know, that these ladies are growing up. Sometimes I go in their room at night to pray for them and get struck with such sadness that the girls I'm looking at won't be the same girls that I wake up to in the morning. They are changing every moment, growing, maturing, turning into the people they're going to grow up to be. You might say I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. The problem is that it happens so gradually that you forget it's happening.

The truth is that the other thing that hits me when I go into their room at night is all the ways I've failed them or missed out on time spent with them that day. Most times I desperately want to wake them up, hug them, and tell them I'm so sorry for all my failures. I want to remind them that I love them, even though my actions quite probably make them feel like I love my computer, my cell phone, or myself more than them. I've tried doing this from time to time, but they are really hard to wake up!!

How much does this also apply to The Man? He's my husband, for crying out loud, and how often do I treat him with even greater disregard than I ever treat the girls? The problem is that he doesn't look nearly as cute when he's sleeping, so I don't get a dose of this on a nightly basis...hehehe. But he's getting older every day too. Yep, all that grey hair in his beard is a testimony to that! I look back sometimes on old pictures of us (like our wedding...10 years ago!!!!) and wonder what happened to those kids. We were kids. We wouldn't have told you that then, but we were. The more time that passes the more I realize that we're still a couple of immature kids now who actually know so little of much of anything. Is there a point in time when you're supposed to feel grown up? To have some level of wisdom?

Whether we feel it or not, grown up is what we become. It just sort of happens.

So a few things occur to me now that I'm reflecting on all this.

I went to the Good Friday service with my church this morning. To be totally honest, I haven't been going to church services as regularly as I know I should (and by should I mean that I desperately NEED that time of corporate worship, not that my church attendance does anything to make me a Christian or not. I should go because I want to be involved in anything to helps me to grow in my relationship with Christ). There have been weeks when I knew I had failed my God miserably. I have honestly thought to myself, "I act like THIS all week and then expect to go worship??" I know that is totally forgetting grace, isn't it? But don't we all go through times when Shame and Condemnation attack us and our Lord's beautiful grace seems like it could never make us clean or blameless? Or what about times when we see ourselves for who we are and see God for who he is and realize how small and filthy we are to him? Approaching him at times like these just seems unthinkable.

Then there have also been times, like last week, when we just can't seem to get ready fast enough and, before I know it, church started 5 minutes ago and we all three still have wet hair. Then mommy gets upset and then the girls get upset and then it's just emotional breakdown time. Oh yes, 3 girls in one house equals a lot of emotion (especially when the little ladies seem to be just about as emotional as their poor mommy...oh, to be more practical and logical and less flimsy and emotional!).

Back to what I was saying about going to church. I wasn't raised celebrating Easter. I honestly have no interest in arguing over paganism, etc. I will say that egg hunts and bunnies just might have no place in this holiday, but taking a special day to remember (as we ought to every day) what God did for us can be so powerful. Standing in that old building raising our voices as we sing "Amazing Love" and "Amazing Grace" and remembering the price the perfect Son of God paid to redeem us was pretty powerful for me this morning.

Amazing love how can it be/That you my King would die for me

Amazing grace how sweet the sound/That saved a wretch like me

Wow. Now that is how to silence the voices of Condemnation and Shame. Basking in the boundless love God has for us, represented in Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, has a way of reminding us that though we are indeed in a process of sanctification (and should strive to become more like Jesus), we are still, despite all our daily failures, clean and justified in Christ Jesus. Now, is there any better news than that? But what does that mean? It means that we--wretched and sinful as we may remain despite being "new men"--can confidently and boldly approach God because Jesus already paid the price and we, though undeserving, get his righteousness.

I guess I don't know how to sum this up. I've kind of rambled on with no real rhyme or reason. Maybe I'll just say that because of Jesus' death and resurrection I can be happy despite my failures and despite the fact that my girls are growing up. The reign of death has ended and I am confident in my hope that when Jesus returns I'll forever be with my sweet, sweet family.

Mint--not just for your breath

It's been 17 days already since my dear hubby left. I have to admit that the first week is always the most difficult. After this time the girls and I fall into a sort of rhythm, though nothing is ever really the same without The Man here. For one, the house is a complete wreck. I'd rather not dwell on such a distressing topic, however. It has something to do with knowing the difference between things I can and things I cannot change. It's part of the Serenity Prayer, so I'm praying that I'll be granted some level of peace and serenity by recognizing that I have priorities and, though the house does need to stay functionally clean, there are other much more pressing things that I should attend to. Like sitting here writing and drinking a cuppa green tea with mint. Yes, it's good to know how to prioritize.

Anyway, another thing that happens when The Man is away is that I get a rather good understanding of how I'm *really* doing. I don't know about anyone else, but have found myself suffering increasingly with several disturbing ailments over the last few years. I would like to tell you when it all started, but the fact of the matter is that the more I've thought about it I've realized that I've suffered with certain issues since I was rather young. I've always had migraines. I remember so many times having horrible stomach pain after eating, so much so that I'd lay on my stomach over a pillow to try to alleviate some of the discomfort. There was one particular occasion when I was somewhere between 12 and 14 when my stomach hurt so bad that it was hard to stand up and walk around. It was one of those tummy aches that hurts all the way into your back. Ouch. I still have "stomach attacks," as we not so lovingly call them, that feel just the same.

Besides the stomach ailments, however, I started having thyroid problems after Maddy was born. Then I started having mood issues. Yes, people, I mean that most horrible D word. I know we all hate to utter it, but considering the level at which antidepressants are prescribed in at least the US, the painful truth is that nobody is taking them, everyone is doing "fine," despite the fact that the statistics would speak otherwise. So there, I said it. It's out there. Besides all that, I have had a very hard time regulating my weight (despite lots of exercise), controlling cravings, and having any kind of energy whatsoever. Ya, most days I felt like I was dragging a 1000 lb. weight with another 10 lb. weight hanging from each eyelid. Needless to say, this made coping while The Man has been off bringing home the bacon an extremely difficult thing to do. Oh ya, then there is the anxiety, that constant tormentor who never grows weary though he never, ever rests.

So anyhoo, a hidden blessing that I've received from all The Man's travels is that all the nasty stuff we like to ignore would be brought to the surface, like a big zit shining from it's proud and defiant spot on the middle of your forehead. If you're like me, when a zit comes to a head and is officially "ready" you just cannot help but have a go at it. And, like that most satisfying face-picking moment, dealing with all the messy issues when they come to a head usually results in the infected contents shooting out, somewhat projectile-like, on the mirror in front of you. Then you can see your reflection in the mirror, but you're of course looking at yourself through the dramatically ejected goo. Then you can smile in satisfaction as you wipe away the mess and begin to tend to healing the once painful and infected spot.

The point, my friends, is that healing always, always means letting your goo hang out. A lot of times the hardest part is allowing yourself to recognize, with complete honestly, that you have any goo whatsoever. I think that the most often used method of "dealing" with any issues, whether they be psychological or physiological (but, alas, are the two not mysteriously combined into one integrated whole, each effecting the other in such a way that a cause/effect relationship will perhaps never be found?), is to use the good old make-up approach. Yep, just slap on some concealer and you're all good, right? I think we all know the real answer to this question.

I find myself, then, sitting here in utter awe and appreciation of the work the Lord has done in me and in my family. I believe--I know--that he heals your inner man (or woman in this case), but I also believe--know--that he can also lead you to physical healing as well. Not only that, it is my contention and conviction that it's only by his strength that any of us have the capability of healing, inside or out, for otherwise we're only capable of covering up, hiding, or in some other way masking our symptoms.

Now, I'm not saying there is no place for modern medicine, because there totally is. The problem is that modern medicine is so painfully influenced by greed and big business and is also run by very fallible human beings who often rely on their own human wisdom, never seeking real wisdom from anywhere else. I mean, is this not just another example of how science and human understanding have become our modern culture's god...meaning, in reality, that we are making ourselves into gods as we elevate human understanding and reason to the level of the ultimate.

To use a term I've learned from living here in England, our wonderful "fixes" do help but they also do a really good job of mucking everything else up. I'm not going to talk too much here because it really is such a huge issue that I do not even begin to fully understand. I'll just say that all my research, starting from a place where the doctor didn't know why I was having RA symptoms or anemia or other particularly female problems or stomach problems, that landed me on a gluten free diet (with the help and encouragement of a most fabulous sister of mine) has now led me deeper still. As I find myself completely frustrated with how we seem to have, as a culture, messed up the very core of our health (our endocrine system), I find myself simultaneously in awe of God's beautiful design in that all the tools we really need can be found in this wonderful world around us (and these amazing medicines usually taste pretty good too...that is, of course, if you're not anesthetized to real food by a diet based on processed food. Don't worry, I think we all have been there before if we aren't there now). On top of that, what a blessing that science can be utilized then to understand these compounds, to figure out what they do and how they work, and then allow us to utilize these things in the most beneficial way for whatever our condition may be.

As I sit here with my now empty cup, looking at my sweet girls napping on the couches, I feel a real sense of peace. It's not that I have it all figured out. Not even close. It's that I'm being led, step by step, as well as powerfully equipped to see and deal with the various challenges my family and I face. Do I have the perfect diet, just as God designed it? Nah, not even close. To be honest, though I like to fancy my diet very healthy, it was only yesterday day I purged our regrigerator of all foods containing any kind of sugar (oh yes, even the pseudohealthy Evaporated Cane Juice). A diet can be full of good things, but it is quickly and easily contaminated by those little indulgences we allow ourselves. Quite a lot like life in general, wouldn't you say? How we must watch ourselves.

And yes, we (including the girls) have now officially gone 100% gluten AND sugar free. I'm still trying to figure out how to make chocolate easter eggs for the girls myself...here's what we're going to be attempting next week. I don't want the girls to feel deprived. We all need something tasty...AND chocolatey!

I'm really not sure where all that came from. All I really wanted to tell you about was how during my time in Doha with The Man I was exposed to the Middle Eastern practice of drinking green tea with mint leaves after dinner. It's so very nice. I remembered it while I was grocery shopping last night and have enjoyed several relaxing cups since. But I've found that mint is more than just a tasty digestive aid. It has an amazing wealth of health benefits, including, but not limited to, antifungal (yes, it fights Candida!!), antiviral (got cold sores?...drink some mint tea!), and antibacterial properties. Have a look here and here for some good, basic info. And, as you peruse what an amazing thing you're doing for your body, why not brew yourself a cup of fresh mint tea (come on, get the real stuff and not that dried crud from a box) and feel good about this one small and easy thing you can do for yourself, even if it's the only healthy thing you do today. Hey, maybe tomorrow you'll drink a bit of mint tea AND do a little something else too. If you keep that up, over time just think of all the great things you could be doing to improve your health and, consequently, your quality of life!!

Give Millet a Chance

Long time, no write.

To be completely honest, I've been feeling really uninspired lately. I have come up with some really good recipes I guess. I've made some amazing GF baguette and some scrumptious GF almond flour banana bread. There have been some scary scones (they didn't taste too bad though) and some perfect pancakes (almond flour again and oh so good). I made tremendously tasty tuna cakes as well as perfecting my chili recipe with my own seasoning concoction. I haven't felt up to writing about them...or really writing at all. Actually, I take that back. I've felt like writing, but as I've been feeling very melancholy I have only felt like writing about melancholy things. No one wants to read that stuff, so I didn't bother to write it.

On top of that, I've been through a philosophical writing crisis. You see, there are so many amazing bloggers out there who make more interesting food, take way better pictures of it, and often have the most amazingly witty things to say. As the internet seems to be full to the brim with bloggers such as those, why should I fancy myself to be nearly as interesting or engaging as them? And, if I am not, what is the point in my writing these words here for you all? Is it that these words are actually for myself? Could this time be no more than a self-indulgent, narcissistic dream of self-importance that I occasionally allow myself to partake in?

I haven't come up with any good answers to those questions. I don't write because I think I have anything to say that hasn't already been said (and, I'm certain, been said so much better). I also have no illusions that the food I make or the things I write about food or philosophy or religion are original, terribly interesting, or perhaps even remotely noteworthy. I don't mean this to sound self-deprecating at all. It's simply that I'd prefer to make an honest assessment about motive and purpose before I proceed any further. I'd be loath to devote my time to something that feeds some illusion about myself or my own pride (which is so very often, if not always, misplaced). So I find myself sitting here writing this because I simply feel I have something to say. It's nothing more than that. Oh wait...it's also this amazing little grain I've just discovered last night. Millet.

Is there a grain on earth that has a less glamorous name than millet? As the word rolls off your tongue I doubt you start salivating as you may if you were instead saying "steak" or "chocolate." Tonight, being night number two of millet experimentation, I had a conversation with Jordyn that went something like this:

Jordyn: Mommy, what are you making?

Me: Millet and Lentil Curry with Pak Choi.

Jordyn: MMMMMMMMMMM...that sounds so good.

The conversation sounds strange even now. Anything involving the word millet just doesn't sound appitizing, so the fact that my 7 year old got so excited about it just seems super weird. The thing, however, is that millet really is "all that"...as is pak choi. If you haven't tried either of these culinary gems, you're seriously missing out. Big time. Even Maddy who, upon trying pak choi for the first time last night, fell in love with it, asked to have it again tomorrow, and said that she was surprised because she thought it would be gross. Hey, at least she's honest.

And you should try these things too!

Besides the fact that millet is totally yummy, it has an amazing nutrient profile. Just look at those amino acids!! Pak Choi is also a winner, nutritionally speaking at least. Speaking of healthy stuff, I'll go ahead and point you to turmeric as well, which I make use of in the following recipe. Oh, oh...and, since we're on the topic of nutritional value of food and the like, the recipe I'm about to share does not skimp on the fat. Now, I know it goes against everything the government will tell you, but fat, even saturated fat, is actually good for you! I am going to tell you to please use coconut oil as well as all the creamy goodness of coconut milk. Coconut oil has these amazing medium chain fatty acids, you see. You should really check these puppies out! Yes, I'm aware that they are *gasp* saturated fats, but just calm down for a second and take a moment to read all the fantastic info. Additionally, I'd really like to point everyone toward this amazing and very informative video about sugar. We should all be as well informed as possible as we make food choices for ourselves and our children. This video is absolutely amazing in that it takes one of the most common notions in the fitness industry (the whole calories in versus calories out being the determining factor in weight loss or gain as well as why we exercise) and totally rips it to shreds. It will show that not all calories are equal. It will talk about fructose and glucose and how your body actually uses these two carbohydrates and why this is so vitally important. It shows a lot of amazing things, so I'll just give you the link and hope you watch it and hope it changes the way you view food, processed food, and the way you feed your family (particularly our poor kids who are brought up in a culture in which eating all the processed, sugar laden, fast food crap is some kind of "right," meaning that a parent who is so horrible to deprive their children of these childhood classics is quite obviously a bad parent!!).

Whew, anyway, now that I've hopefully convinced you that you should give millet a chance (and also cut sugar from your diet and start enjoying some healthy fats), I'll share with you the recipe I created tonight. It's not perfect, but it was good. I hope anyone who decides to try it will enjoy.

Ingredients:

1 cup millet grain

1/2 cup red lentils (or any color for that matter)

A few TBSP coconut oil

1 cup or so of water

1 14 oz. can coconut milk (please, please resist the urge to get the "reduced fat" stuff)

2 bunches of pak choi (bok choy), rinsed and chopped if desired

1 onion, diced

1 bell pepper, diced

4 cloves garlic, minced

1 1/2 tsp mild curry powder, plus extra for sprinkling

1 tsp turmeric, plus extra for sprinkling

salt and pepper to taste

So, here's your pak choi, all ready to go. Hold on, though. We'd better get that millet going.

Saute your onion with some sea salt and some fresh cracked pepper in a couple of tablespoons of coconut oil over medium heat. After 5 minutes or so, add your bell pepper as well as a little more salt. After a few minutes add the garlic. After all those have started getting all cozy and gorgeous smelling, throw in your millet and lentils and allow to saute for a minute or so. Add curry powder and turmeric. Maybe a little more salt and pepper would be nice here too. Add 1 cup of water and the can of coconut milk. Cover and allow to simmer on low heat until the millet is completely cooked (roughly 30 minutes). You may need to add a little water toward the end of the cooking time if it begins to get too dry. Keep in mind that the mix is supposed to be creamy, so don't let it dry out. Once this is finished, move off of the heat and allow to set with the lid on while you cook up your pak choi.

Throw the pak choi into a frying pan heated to medium heat with a tablespoon or so of coconut oil. Sprinkle them with some turmeric, curry seasoning, salt and pepper and allow to cook until the leaves wilt a little. I like leaving mine whole, but you're more than welcome to cut them up so that the base will cook through a little more.

Now, doesn't that look yummy?

Once those are done, it's time to eat!! Plate up and enjoy a curry-liscious and very healthy meal!!!

Taking things in context

I guess I've always known that I have anxiety issues. It's not a fun thing to live with, you know. In college it was my perpetual state of being. The nerves, the sweaty armpits, the flushed face, and last, but worst of all, the stomach tied up in knots. Okay, maybe the sweaty armpits were the worst. Anyway, I would often wake up in a panic because I had another one of those dreams where I signed up for a class and then forgot about it. Of course, I never attended class and on the last day of the semester I'd realize that I was flunking the class! This was terror. An F meant...it meant...well, the end of the world!! That's what it felt like anyway. I'm certain I realize now that flunking a class...or getting a B or C or something like that...wasn't the end of the world. Actually, I'm sure I realize it as long as I'm not taking a class, in which case all reason flies out the window and I'm crazy perfectionist lady.
I guess I'm saying all this because I've been so anxious the last couple of weeks that I can't even sleep anymore. I have never, ever had a problem with this. I'm typically the kind of person who barely remembers their head hitting the pillow. Not these days. Now I'm the kind of person who has anxious energy that keeps them up until the hours of the morning that no one should see and then has them tossing and turning until they just give up and get up an hour after going to bed to do the dishes and attempt a descent gluten free loaf of bread. Yep, that's me. And here I am 11pm the very next night, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Of course, it's in a very miserable kind of way since I have this green anxiety monster eating away at my insides.
I considered staring at the TV. Nah. How 'bout surfing the web? Nah. Truth is, I don't get the whole surfing the web thing. If I have something to research I'm a mad woman...otherwise, I just don't get the fascination. I could always clean. Hah.
So here I am. I'm hoping this will be therapeutic.
I realized this morning whilst walking home from dropping the ladies off at school that I think in terms of stories. It's kind of weird really. See, when I look at someone walking down the street I start to wonder who they are, what's on their mind, where they're going, etc. The fact of the matter is that everyone you see is basically a walking story. I think we have this horrible habit of treating people outside of the context of life, which seems to me as treating them not as people. If we think of them as a life, as a story, we might imagine that the woman who nearly ran us off the road might be mourning the death of a son, or might have just discovered that her husband is having an affair, or maybe just got the news that she's pregnant at 53 years old. She'd be in a state of extreme emotional distress and, though perhaps driving isn't the best activity for her at such a moment, it would obviously cause her to not pay attention and consequently nearly run you off the road. She's not a jerk, a B, or anything else. She's a person. In pain. At this point the world isn't so much about ourselves and what that person did to us, but it's about the interacting and colliding of all these different stories against each other. We could go on and on and on here... We could imagine reasons why that person looks so sad, or why that dude told me off outside of Sainsbury's yelling that I should "just go home." Of course, perhaps these people are really just (insert your own word here), but how often is that really the case? Perhaps a person with extreme prejudice feels that way because they were personally affected by something to do with whoever they are prejudice against (like the country they are from). We can't expect most people, or maybe any people, to be self-reflective enough to think about the fact that their limited experiences are actually just that--limited--and nothing on which to judge an entire race, country, or whatever. I don't guess we can expect them to look past their own issues and self-centered attitudes to see that they're talking to a person with a story of their own, which is probably one that includes pain and hurt (which they are making worse).
Truth is, I'm not trying to make some kind of lovely philosophical argument about why we should treat people better. I'm just trying to describe how I think. A lot of times it's not much fun. Take, for instance, the fact that I'm, like, insanely insecure. Ya, I don't get it. I just am. Anyway, a common scenario would be something like this: Jason and I are at the cafe at our gym. I just finished a kickboxing class and look all sweaty and yucky. He's just (allegedly) played tennis for the last hour. We get up to walk out and the very gorgeous, young, never-born-a-child, made-up, nicely dressed chick with the luscious long brown hair looks up and kind of stares as we walk out. Perhaps some people would think, "what in the heck is SHE looking at?" Not me. Automatically I create a scenario in my head that probably would make some pretty good reading in the pages of a Harlequin. The problem is that these stories I create also get me emotional, so that when it is a story about something personal, I get upset. Ya, not good. Poor Jason.
So tonight I found myself thinking about events in a life, a relationship, or whatever. A lot of times as parents or spouses I think we like to think about doing big and elaborate things to show our love and affection. We want to buy lovely gifts, go to fantastic places, etc. Not that there is anything wrong with such gestures, but it hit me that we often ignore the small, seemingly insignificant daily monotonous and forgettable actions and conversations that are, in actuality, not insignificant at all. When I look back at my childhood memories and think about the specific memories that pop in my head that mean "my parents loved me" they have nothing to do with gifts, or trips, or anything that either of my parents might remember. For instance, I have always gotten really big headaches. One time when we were on vacation in Florida my mom massaged my shoulders and neck for a really long time. It made my headache better and I have never, ever forgotten it. Another one was when I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Man, it was a nightmare. I couldn't sleep then either...because of the PAIN. My mom sat up with me for HOURS, stroking my hair, talking to me. I've never forgotten it. I also remember this one time with my dad when just the two of us went to this sign language class. Afterwards he brought me to Braum's and we got a hot fudge sundae!! I think we did it another time and we went and got a Big Mac. We didn't tell any of my other sisters we'd gone for those goodies. It was just special between us. I think of it often.
So how often do we think about the fact that our children and our spouses and our loved ones will probably love whatever grand thing we do for them, but the only thing that really matters is the context in which that grand thing is offered? The context is that "insignificant" everyday "stuff" that comes and goes without anyone ever noticing. It's the way we treat each other, the time we spend with each other, the way we serve each other...every day...in the small, consistent ways that, if we're honest, are the hardest. It's not so hard to plan a grand vacation or gift. It is very hard to consistently serve in the unnoticed ways every single day. To be the one who, for example, gets up with the kids in the middle of the night without disturbing the other one (or getting huffy because they didn't get up to help). Or the one who does the dishes while the other one sits drinking the latte that was just made for them. These are the tough things. But they are really the things that matter.
I guess there are all kinds of ways we can apply this. I'd like to think my kids will remember me making them pb&j sandwiches and cutting and "plating" them in such a way that it's like "masterchef." Or maybe they'll remember the walks to school with the Hershey's Kisses in my pocket just for them. I hope they'll remember that I tried to always give that extra kiss goodnight even when it was late and I was tired.
Then there is of course what is probably the most important relationship in a person's life. How do we serve our spouses daily? What are the little things that are setting the context for all our other actions to be remembered in. There may be that hot date night I planned that one time, but I'm certain that would pale in comparison to all the times of accusation, or dishonesty, or lack of understanding, mercy, and grace. We could spend all the money in the world on someone, but if we treat them badly in the small, consistent, daily things that we think should slide because they're small, it won't make a bit of difference.
I kind of wanted to branch this out, you know, like to money spending and building houses and growing plants and roots...but I think I'll spare everyone and call it a night.
I'm feeling less anxious. Still not tired though. :/

A Moment of Self-Reflection

A hole. A self-imposed solitude. Hardly. Solitude. HAH!! No, rather, a self-imposed cutting off from outer stimuli. This stimulimitation is what I like to call my "hole," though, upon reflection, I find that "hole" is by no means a fitting word. Being in a hole would make one think of darkness, quietness, sitting around with nothing to do...complete quiet, still solitude.

Solitude is something I only have a vague intellectual idea of. I have no experiential understanding of what this word means. Thus, how can I liken my present state of being as hole-like? Truly, I cannot.

So how then can I describe to the outside world what this intended self-preserving stance toward the world is? How can I adequately describe it's purpose? What would the point of such a venture be anyway?

The point, my friends, is that I would like to know what it is and why I do it so I can get over the intense guilt I feel from "crawling" in my "hole." Oh, and I have my first attempt at gluten free cupcakes in the oven and, to ease the nagging anticipation of the outcome of this frustrating venture (long story), I decided to write. Not to make any readers feel bad, but my first inclination was to call someone. Jason? No...at this point we are just sitting on the phone saying, "I love you," or, "I miss you," now and then with increasingly long intervals of quiet in between. Has everything been said? Hardly. It's just that I've discovered that dudes can only stand so much female hashing and rehashing over the same subjects that plague the female mind. Thus, though I cannot always resist, I do try to spare him this agony. Then I thought about my sisters. Nah. Truth is that I feel pretty pathetic sometimes when I call and want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk (because they are my sisters and I have lots to say to them I guess) and then realize that they have lives that are on hold while I utilize them to fill the void that is left in Jason's absence. So here I am, cakes in the oven, typing away and realizing that I don't even remember what I was writing about anymore.

....Oh ya, my "hole." See, we've already established that what I've historically referred to as being my "hole" is actually nothing of the sort. I feel better already.

To more adequately describe this psychological shift that occurs, I think I must first delve into the reasons driving this shift. Well, Jason's gone. I'm sad, yes, but more than that I am overwhelmed by everything. Not that there is necessarily more to be done around here because, though I hate to hurt his feelings, he isn't exactly Mr. Clean, but the tasks he does take on are my "dreaded" tasks...like making appointments, going to the bank to make transfers, making any phone calls in general, checking my voice mail (why do I hate that? good question). Beyond that, sometimes my little psyche just has a hard time coping with this world. My man helps me cope. He makes me feel better, protected, like everything's gonna be okay. Having my psyche propped up, if you will, makes social interaction, which is an exhausting (though enjoyable) task for me, so much easier. With my psychological support structure taken away, I feel less able to cope with things while also maintaining some level of sanity and grace in dealing with unavoidable tasks like, say, caring for my kids and keeping up with laundry.

Thus, I withdraw. At first, I try to keep up with everything. That lasts usually a week or two, at which point I realize that I just can't take it anymore. Then, as I look around my disastrous house with an overwhelming sense of, um, being overwhelmed, I withdraw as much as possible and focus on what must be focused on...my kids, supporting my man while he's away, and trying to keep the house up. As time passes, I can slowly incorporate a little outside interaction, but only on a case-by-case basis.

I think, in light of this analysis, I shall stop calling my psychological withdrawal from the outside world a "hole" and, instead, refer to it as prioritizing. My little psyche can only take so much, and my energy only extends so far. Thus, I must prioritize or I'll end up running so hard that I will eventually crash.

Now, I went into this particular time of separation from my man with the outlook that the Lord would sustain me and energize me for the things that needed doing. I pray for this daily. This has led to a fairly drastic look at my calendar to ascertain, then, what things are driven by what He would have me do and what things are driven by what I would have me do because, to be honest, He has not turned me into superwoman or added to the hours of the day. Though this sounds insanely easy, it is not. There are so many things we can do, including volunteering for good causes, etc. that we do at the expense of what God has actually called us to do in the Word. Though I'm sure those things are great and are often based on an actual calling from the Lord, I believe that we all have to discern, prayerfully, what motivates us to do these things and what we sacrifice to do them.

What I find, then, is that, biblically speaking, the primary calling on my life is to be the wife and mother He calls all us wives and mothers to be. For me, that means devoting myself to the upbringing and education (not just academic but also emotional and spiritual) of my children, creating a positive home environment, and supporting the hubster. All this must be done with gentleness, respect, quietness and dignity. Tall order...YES!

As a side note, I just have to say that gentleness and quietness aren't strong points for me at all. He'd better create that spirit in me or just accept me as I am, I guess.

I think that all this flies in the face of what modern culture, to which I have subscribed on some level, would tell me. As a woman, why should I sacrifice my "goals" and "aspirations" to raise kids and take care of some man? Shouldn't I be able to have it all...live up to my intellectual and professional potential as well as have my family there for me when I get home at night?

No, I shouldn't. Because in doing so, I'm actually giving the most powerful aspect of my womanhood to someone else. This aspect has to do with the drastic influence I have on my children (and my husband too, I've found). Us modern women want to take the lead and change the world...all the while allowing institutions to raise our children for us. Well, I'd like to ask this then: isn't the biggest impact we can have to raise and then set free into the world children who have been brought up and molded properly? Instead of this, we are all on this ego rush to obtain high position to make a "positive impact" while we are totally neglecting to impact the most important people in our lives...our children, our families, and those placed around us.

Now I can't remember my point at all. Ummm...I guess that I'm just saying that being forced out of necessity to cut back on activities allows a person to see things in a completely different light. Thus, no holes, just priorities. Or something like that.

Problem is that I still can't seem to make myself check my voice mail or call people back sometimes. Oh well, no one is perfect...

Now, let's go see how those cupcakes turned out.........

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Setting: Dinner table eating a corn/rice pasta concoction.

Maddy: I hate water.

Mommy: You need water.

Maddy: Water isn't good for me.

Mommy: You need water because your body is made mostly of water.

Maddy: Really, mommy? Why did God make us with water?

Mommy: I don't know. Only God does.

Maddy: Why can't we hear God.

Mommy: Actually, you can hear God you just have to know how.

Jordyn: I hear God.

Mommy: (surprised at her declaration) You do?

Jordyn: Yes.

Mommy: How do you hear God? How does he talk to you?

Jordyn: (thinks for a second) In my head and in my heart.

Mommy: (in awe of her little girl) So God talks to you in your head and heart?

Jordyn: Ya.

Mommy: What does he say?

Jordyn then goes on to talk at length about how when she does something naughty she turns on her head and her heart and she remembers all the things she's been taught. For example, she marked the table with her ruler at school today. When the teacher asked who did it, she admitted that it was her because of God talking to her head and heart. When she does good things, like eating all her salad today, she hears God tell her "brilliant, Jordyn!"

Mommy: Did someone tell you about this or did you figure it out yourself?

Jordyn: I figured it out myself.

Mommy: (amazed, joyfull, humbled) ........