A Moment of Self-Reflection

A hole. A self-imposed solitude. Hardly. Solitude. HAH!! No, rather, a self-imposed cutting off from outer stimuli. This stimulimitation is what I like to call my "hole," though, upon reflection, I find that "hole" is by no means a fitting word. Being in a hole would make one think of darkness, quietness, sitting around with nothing to do...complete quiet, still solitude.

Solitude is something I only have a vague intellectual idea of. I have no experiential understanding of what this word means. Thus, how can I liken my present state of being as hole-like? Truly, I cannot.

So how then can I describe to the outside world what this intended self-preserving stance toward the world is? How can I adequately describe it's purpose? What would the point of such a venture be anyway?

The point, my friends, is that I would like to know what it is and why I do it so I can get over the intense guilt I feel from "crawling" in my "hole." Oh, and I have my first attempt at gluten free cupcakes in the oven and, to ease the nagging anticipation of the outcome of this frustrating venture (long story), I decided to write. Not to make any readers feel bad, but my first inclination was to call someone. Jason? No...at this point we are just sitting on the phone saying, "I love you," or, "I miss you," now and then with increasingly long intervals of quiet in between. Has everything been said? Hardly. It's just that I've discovered that dudes can only stand so much female hashing and rehashing over the same subjects that plague the female mind. Thus, though I cannot always resist, I do try to spare him this agony. Then I thought about my sisters. Nah. Truth is that I feel pretty pathetic sometimes when I call and want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk (because they are my sisters and I have lots to say to them I guess) and then realize that they have lives that are on hold while I utilize them to fill the void that is left in Jason's absence. So here I am, cakes in the oven, typing away and realizing that I don't even remember what I was writing about anymore.

....Oh ya, my "hole." See, we've already established that what I've historically referred to as being my "hole" is actually nothing of the sort. I feel better already.

To more adequately describe this psychological shift that occurs, I think I must first delve into the reasons driving this shift. Well, Jason's gone. I'm sad, yes, but more than that I am overwhelmed by everything. Not that there is necessarily more to be done around here because, though I hate to hurt his feelings, he isn't exactly Mr. Clean, but the tasks he does take on are my "dreaded" tasks...like making appointments, going to the bank to make transfers, making any phone calls in general, checking my voice mail (why do I hate that? good question). Beyond that, sometimes my little psyche just has a hard time coping with this world. My man helps me cope. He makes me feel better, protected, like everything's gonna be okay. Having my psyche propped up, if you will, makes social interaction, which is an exhausting (though enjoyable) task for me, so much easier. With my psychological support structure taken away, I feel less able to cope with things while also maintaining some level of sanity and grace in dealing with unavoidable tasks like, say, caring for my kids and keeping up with laundry.

Thus, I withdraw. At first, I try to keep up with everything. That lasts usually a week or two, at which point I realize that I just can't take it anymore. Then, as I look around my disastrous house with an overwhelming sense of, um, being overwhelmed, I withdraw as much as possible and focus on what must be focused on...my kids, supporting my man while he's away, and trying to keep the house up. As time passes, I can slowly incorporate a little outside interaction, but only on a case-by-case basis.

I think, in light of this analysis, I shall stop calling my psychological withdrawal from the outside world a "hole" and, instead, refer to it as prioritizing. My little psyche can only take so much, and my energy only extends so far. Thus, I must prioritize or I'll end up running so hard that I will eventually crash.

Now, I went into this particular time of separation from my man with the outlook that the Lord would sustain me and energize me for the things that needed doing. I pray for this daily. This has led to a fairly drastic look at my calendar to ascertain, then, what things are driven by what He would have me do and what things are driven by what I would have me do because, to be honest, He has not turned me into superwoman or added to the hours of the day. Though this sounds insanely easy, it is not. There are so many things we can do, including volunteering for good causes, etc. that we do at the expense of what God has actually called us to do in the Word. Though I'm sure those things are great and are often based on an actual calling from the Lord, I believe that we all have to discern, prayerfully, what motivates us to do these things and what we sacrifice to do them.

What I find, then, is that, biblically speaking, the primary calling on my life is to be the wife and mother He calls all us wives and mothers to be. For me, that means devoting myself to the upbringing and education (not just academic but also emotional and spiritual) of my children, creating a positive home environment, and supporting the hubster. All this must be done with gentleness, respect, quietness and dignity. Tall order...YES!

As a side note, I just have to say that gentleness and quietness aren't strong points for me at all. He'd better create that spirit in me or just accept me as I am, I guess.

I think that all this flies in the face of what modern culture, to which I have subscribed on some level, would tell me. As a woman, why should I sacrifice my "goals" and "aspirations" to raise kids and take care of some man? Shouldn't I be able to have it all...live up to my intellectual and professional potential as well as have my family there for me when I get home at night?

No, I shouldn't. Because in doing so, I'm actually giving the most powerful aspect of my womanhood to someone else. This aspect has to do with the drastic influence I have on my children (and my husband too, I've found). Us modern women want to take the lead and change the world...all the while allowing institutions to raise our children for us. Well, I'd like to ask this then: isn't the biggest impact we can have to raise and then set free into the world children who have been brought up and molded properly? Instead of this, we are all on this ego rush to obtain high position to make a "positive impact" while we are totally neglecting to impact the most important people in our lives...our children, our families, and those placed around us.

Now I can't remember my point at all. Ummm...I guess that I'm just saying that being forced out of necessity to cut back on activities allows a person to see things in a completely different light. Thus, no holes, just priorities. Or something like that.

Problem is that I still can't seem to make myself check my voice mail or call people back sometimes. Oh well, no one is perfect...

Now, let's go see how those cupcakes turned out.........

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Setting: Dinner table eating a corn/rice pasta concoction.

Maddy: I hate water.

Mommy: You need water.

Maddy: Water isn't good for me.

Mommy: You need water because your body is made mostly of water.

Maddy: Really, mommy? Why did God make us with water?

Mommy: I don't know. Only God does.

Maddy: Why can't we hear God.

Mommy: Actually, you can hear God you just have to know how.

Jordyn: I hear God.

Mommy: (surprised at her declaration) You do?

Jordyn: Yes.

Mommy: How do you hear God? How does he talk to you?

Jordyn: (thinks for a second) In my head and in my heart.

Mommy: (in awe of her little girl) So God talks to you in your head and heart?

Jordyn: Ya.

Mommy: What does he say?

Jordyn then goes on to talk at length about how when she does something naughty she turns on her head and her heart and she remembers all the things she's been taught. For example, she marked the table with her ruler at school today. When the teacher asked who did it, she admitted that it was her because of God talking to her head and heart. When she does good things, like eating all her salad today, she hears God tell her "brilliant, Jordyn!"

Mommy: Did someone tell you about this or did you figure it out yourself?

Jordyn: I figured it out myself.

Mommy: (amazed, joyfull, humbled) ........

The Onion

Consider for a moment the humble onion.




I can't say that I have any good memories of onions from childhood. Actually, I can't say I have any memories of onions at all, really. I simply remember that I hated them. I think all my sisters hated them as well. This hatred was so severe that my mother--or I at least believe she did it for us rather than for ease, but who knows--resorted to using onion powder in her cooking rather than actual onions. This practice was continued in my own house for years after I married since my lovely husband, Jason, has this amazing ability of spotting even microscopic pieces of onion in his food and picking it out. Is there anything more irksome and disheartening than seeing something you've made with love being nit-picked before your eyes? Not really. Thus, my use of onions has historically been minimal, at best.

I can't really blame it all on my husband, to be fair. When I look back at how onions were, or were not, used in my childhood, it kind of makes sense why I hated them. Not to offend either one of our fabulous families, but when I see how his parents use onions it also makes sense that he'd hate the things also. Typically they have been or are cooked in such a way that the final product yields a clear-ish, white-ish slimy "thing." This means that neither one of us had any appreciation for the true beauty of the onion. Rather, we saw them as stringy, slimy things that tasted bitter, pungent, and generally yucky. These childhood impressions are difficult to overcome, especially when they are severe enough to make one literally wretch if an onion is accidentally missed in the "picking" process. I kid you not. (By the way, that wasn't me)

How sad, really, especially since I think this issue is somewhat widespread. Being dependent on a diet primarily composed of ready-made meals, those of us raised after the advent of Campbell's Soup, and it's subsequent domination of "cooking," have little or no experience using onions properly as the foundation for our meals. Rather, we use these manufactured sauces, soups, and packaged "stuff.". It truly breaks my heart when someone presents something to me that they "made" and I realize, later, that they simply bought a few pre-made ingredients and put them all together. Though there is value in such things (maybe), and perhaps some necessity as well, considering our fast paced lifestyle, I think it represents a loss of something precious and beautiful.

This loss, I believe, is representative of something much, much bigger. Our food is packaged in flashy packaging with copious (and mostly dishonest) adjectives which can be opened in an instant. We can then consume our morsels of immediate gratification in moments, which provides a quick pleasure that leaves in its wake an emptiness and longing for more. How much more do we attempt to package ourselves with flash and describe ourselves with copious (and mostly dishonest :) ) adjectives so that we appear desirable to those around us? How often do we buy into this ourselves, believing that we will like ourselves better if we have or achieve all these things? The same goes for entertainment and pleasure, I believe. We are a society so focused on our moments of "enjoyment" that as we continually seek a better "high" we desensitize ourselves and subsequently find ourselves digging ever deeper into the abyss for the desired effect. One must not look far as prime time television is a perfect example. Increasing violence, horror, sex... I personally think this mentality is more widespread than anyone would be willing to admit. I do not think that any of us are immune to its tempting promise of fulfillment. However, we find, ultimately, that the only thing we've achieved is an increased appetite for more and more as well as an increasing and ravenous desire to fill our devouring void inside.

Though I imagine this phenomenon is something true to both sexes, I find myself relating to this particularly as a woman. The social call (could it also be an obligation these days?) to be the successful working woman, devoted mother, and loving (and, of course, seductive temptress) wife is strong. We want to have it all. We want the independence that we've historically been deprived of. We want to assert ourselves. We want to break through a male dominated, patriarchal social structure that has characterized western history. Granted, history has been cruel to women. Could we, however, be throwing the baby out with the bath water?

Having been fully sold on this concept, I found myself as a college student harboring animosity and distrust of the classic male role. When I married, I saw no reason to change my name and lose my identity. Still to this day I get a bit peeved when I get a letter addressed to "Mrs. Jason Ramm." So now I don't even get my first name?? Am I identified only by this guy I married? What about ME?

I recently read John Piper's book on marriage. He asserts that the institution of marriage is to portray the relationship between Christ and the church, and, to that end, a woman is to be submissive to her husband (as we are to be to Christ) and the husband is supposed to love his wife (as Christ loved the church...by giving his life for her). As I thought on this concept in conjunction with my unwillingness to change my name I immediately thought of this passage in Isaiah: "One will say, 'I belong to the Lord'; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; still another will write on his hand, 'The Lords,' and will take the name Israel." (Isaiah 44:5, NIV) I realized then why I should take Jason's name. The humbling of myself and placing myself under his authority is a picture of how we are supposed to take Christ's name and put ourselves under his authority. Another beautiful picture of this can be found in the book of Ruth when, quietly, she lays at his feet and asks, when he notices her, Boaz to cover her with his garment and be her kinsman-redeemer. Thus, my unwillingness to place myself under my husband demonstrates my unwillingness to place myself under God's authority in obedience to his design. Not very flattering.

Anyway, back to the onion. All this being considered, I want to be more like the onion.

No, I don't want to stink and I don't want to make people cry. The onion is a humble vegetable. It does not adorn itself with bright colors. It doesn't boast. It doesn't assert itself. It simply is what it is with no apologies. Just like Ruth. She was faithful and hard working. On reading Ruth, you'll notice that she didn't go out looking for a man, she didn't dress seductively or come on strong. She didn't try to impress or flatter him. Instead, she worked her butt off to feed herself and Naomi. I like to imagine that she looked and smelled very sweaty when Boaz first noticed her since she'd been working in the fields all day. I don't think she had time for a shower and change of clothes before he invited her to eat with him. Despite this, Boaz obviously saw something very attractive in her. She got his attention. What could this have been?

I think we find our answer in 1 Peter. "Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do." (1 Peter 3:3-6, NLT)

Thus, like the onion, I'd like to have an inner beauty that, though perhaps not flashy, is of great worth. When one learns to truly appreciate the onion, they will find that it is in actuality one of the best flavour enhancers there is. Allowing an onion to saute slowly on low heat allows it to release its sugars and caramelize. When this happens, it adds depth and flavour to food that otherwise cannot be had. There is, also, no substitute. You can't get the effect from powdered onion, dried onion, or just throwing it in at an point while cooking. Not everyone can appreciate this in an onion. It takes too long. There is no immediate gratification here. It doesn't come in flashy packaging. But to the person who does take the time, well, they will indeed receive their rewards. Though their dishes may not be called "Onion This," or "Onion That," the onion is always there doing its job as it serves as the humble and beautiful foundation to a fantastic meal. Not only that, the onion has all kinds of nutritional qualities, like, for instance, a preservative effect. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we also had a preservative rather than destructive effect with our words and actions? I think we should all take the time to recover the onion for our cooking rather than using sorry substitutes or using it improperly. This means we'll have to take the time to learn how to use it most advantageously. Likewise, we should all take the time to recover and cultivate the beauty of our inner selves. This may not be flashy, but it will leave you healthy, desirable, and satiated rather than empty, unsatisfied, and longing for more.

Switching gears a little, I'd like to share with you a lovely pumpkin soup I made last night. I have to give Maddy some credit here because, while we were shopping, she insisted that we get a pumpkin and that we make soup with it. So, I bought a small pumpkin with no idea what to do with it.

I found this recipe online and made a few adjustments. The pumpkin was actually SO easy to work with! It was gorgeous too!

Though this recipe can be thrown together quickly, I took the time to caramelize my onions, which I think made ALL the difference! What an amazing flavor it adds. I would also encourage everyone to please, please, please salt and pepper every layer while you're cooking and developing flavors. Thus, get those onions going with some salt and pepper. Then add some salt and pepper later with your garlic. Then add a little more when you add in the pumpkin and potato. I promise you that layering your flavors and allowing each one to develop in its own right makes a massive difference to the final product. Oh, I also left the chilis out because I knew that the curry paste would be more than enough for the kids' English influenced taste buds.

Finally, I took a couple slices of GF bread and sauteed them in some coconut oil and salt. They were great for dunking!

The girls were very pleased with how it all looked together!

And they enjoyed eating it as well!

Better off without you!

After so many years together, I now realize that all you ever did was drag me down. And for what? A few moments of pleasure? You made me think I needed you...you, with your hard exterior and soft interior, so pleasing to look at and to taste. So many times I felt like I couldn't enjoy life without you. You have been the foundation of so much in my life, though I never realized that there was something so much better out there.

Now you're history and though you do cross my mind from time to time it's only to think about how happy I am to no longer feel like I depend on your goodness. The truth is that you were never really good at all. Though you may have tasted sweet in the moment, you only caused me anguish and pain. I've hurt. I've cried. All this because you never loved me back. You found your way deep into my gut and tore me apart once you were there.

So now when I see you with other people I do not crave you. I walk right by when we run into each other at the grocery store. Though I see you or your shadow everywhere I turn, I'm getting better and better at avoiding you altogether. Soon, you and the pain you caused will only be a distant memory.

Yes, wheat, I've moved on.

No longer will you be the foundation of my pizza or the heartbeat of my bolognese sauce. I know now that I can mop up my olive oil with another. You are not required for terrific toast or for a delectable dessert. These things, in fact, can be so much more beautiful without you.

I don't mean to be harsh. No hard feelings. As I continue to mend from the heartache you've caused I will always look back on our time together so that I can truly appreciate all the beautiful things ahead.

With gluten a thing of the past, I have moved full force into a world of cooking that is unknown and exciting. I've discovered so many new ingredients that I've tried or hope to try soon that there just aren't enough meals in the day to satisfy my curiosity! Whether you're on a special diet or not, I urge you to get out there and try all the beautiful foods this world has to offer. Truly God has created an amazing world for us to enjoy and has given us our senses so we can experience it to it's fullest. Allow yourself to look around, to notice the pink rose in your neighbor's garden and maybe even take a moment to experience its amazing scent or to look at and appreciate God's craftsmanship when you interact with the important people in your life. All these things can and should incite praise in your heart as you realize God's love and kindness in giving us such fine gifts to enjoy.

So let's use our taste buds and our creative power (which I think is an image of God's creativity) to find that this creation is, indeed, very good!

Inspired by the Gluten Free Goddess, I made a quinoa salad the other day following her recipe (pictured above). Though it was very good, I felt like it could be improved upon (based on my own tastes). Thus, rather than using chick peas, as they do not agree with my tummy, I exchanged them for white beans. I do think that pecans give the dish an autumn-like feel, but I felt that using chopped hazelnuts would be better. Thus, I roasted them on low heat with some salt and about 1 tsp of maple syrup. Additionally, I feel that spinach is a little overpowering for the dish, so I opted for a more delicate and neutral lettuce. I chose an Italian baby leaf mix, which worked beautifully! Finally, I decided to change the dressing a tad. I used 4 Tbsp olive oil, 3 Tbsp maple syrup (the real stuff, people. Mrs. Butterworth is not allowed here!), and the freshly squeezed juice of 1 lemon. Whisk that up with a fork until it comes together, pour over your salad, mix, and enjoy. Truly, this salad is the best I've ever tasted and I caught myself going back for seconds...and then thirds, though it was only just a tiny taste. :-)

I would encourage you to try this recipe! Fresh, whole foods put together in a gastronomically exciting and satisfying way!!

On a final note, I'd like to add that cooking quinoa is really no big deal. Please do rinse it well as it may turn out bitter otherwise! I'd rinse it a couple times, just to be safe. 1 cup quinoa to 2 cups water should do it and please ensure that you let it sit for awhile to soak up all the water. Otherwise it's a little too "hard" to be enjoyable, I've found. It has great nutritional value! I told the kids we were eating planets and they ate it all up! We then looked at pictures of Saturn, since it has a ring around it like the quinoa. They ate that up too!

my sweet girls

It's hard for me to believe that it's already October 18th. It doesn't seem like our trip back home last January was that long ago and so, considering we aren't very far from January 2011, I feel like the last year has flown by so quickly that I barely even noticed it. Our lives, the kids--and even me--are barely recognizable when compared to last January. Sure, I look the same, I suppose, but I'm not. Yes, Jason is still more of a nomad than anything else, but he's different too. We are different.

I guess I'm just feeling sort of melancholy since he left yesterday. Maybe more reflective than melancholy.

To keep this reflective mood positive, I guess I will spend a few minutes talking about the girls. Jordyn.... Wow, what can I say about Jordyn. That child has morphed into this amazing bundle of energy since she switched to her new school. Whereas some children would relish a "free" day off, she does not. I came down pretty ill a couple of weeks ago and so, since Jason was not home, I wasn't able to get the girls to school. Jordyn was not happy at all and told me so several times. Bieng who she is, however, she didn't pitch a fit and instead wrote me a sweet note and brought me a Sprite and a banana. Considering how I felt, I wasn't exactly thrilled at the thought of eating, but I appreciated the gesture nonetheless.
The other interesting development in Jordyn's personality is that she is silly! Strange faces, talking in funny voices, crazy dances...you name it, she does it. A lot. She reminds me a little of my sister, Summer, who was silly as well. Hopefully that will paint a little bit of a picture of what she's like to my own family members.
As always, Jordyn is sweet and incredibly empathetic. She's a perfectionist. She's an observer. She has a strength that I don't understand in a child her age as she seems content and happy to play by herself or with other children...any other children. She seems to have no "best friend" or group she hangs out with at school but seems to float from person to person and is totally fine with it. She just seems confident in who she is and doesn't necessarily need to depend on being part of a group of people to define her value and her identity. I realize she's very young, but I think you can tell so much about a child's personality from a very young age.
And, finally, she still to this day sleeps with Elmo every single night.




Moving on to Maddy. What can I say about Maddy? Sensitive, emotional, energetic, honest, open, and confident. Maddy is really quite similar to the person she's always been. She's mostly happy and smiling her big, beautiful smile. However, when she's sad or mad or hurt, you're gonna know it. Actually, everyone within a mile radius is gonna know it. She seems pretty much unable to hold anything inside, even if she desperately wants to. She's been "told off" several times at school already and each time, though she doesn't want to tell us about it, she ends up spilling the beans. A couple of times she so desperately didn't want to tell us that she's told us through tears and threw in every now and then that she didn't want us to know because we would get mad. I feel like the only way to understand Maddy is by telling a few stories about her...
During the summer holidays we went through a phase when Jordyn was having some sort of behavior problem that was getting very frustrating. So one day while I was driving with them I decided to have a little chat with her about it. I made it very clear that I was speaking to Jordyn and discussed what the problem was and then said that we were going to have to solve it. I told her that she had a choice and that we could do things the easy way or hard way. I asked her which way she'd like to do it and Maddy burst out in tears and said "THE EASY WAY." I reassured Maddy that it wasn't about her, but she still felt horribly guilty. It was sad and sweet all at once.
There are of course many arguments and fights around here. Usually Jordyn gets so frustrated (I find that Maddy irritates her on purpose) that she squeezes Maddy's arm really hard or growls at her or something. Sometimes its a little worse. Anyway, usually when tell Jordyn to apologize Maddy begins crying and apologizes to Jordyn instead. Very sweet.
Assuming you have a general idea of who Maddy is, I'll stop there... Oh, I do have to say that the kid has a disgusting sense of humor that involves poo, wee, farts, etc. I have no idea where she got that from!! :-)

I also wanted to share that the gluten-free diet has been totally life changing!! I look different and feel different. I've totally gone off caffeine, artificial sweeteners, pretty much completely cut out sugar, and gone off dairy as well. I know that sounds like a lot, but it's been fine. The truth is that I haven't really felt the need for caffeine like I used to. I was drinking scary amounts of coffee and Red Bull. Scary. I went cold turkey and have had none for nearly two weeks. I feel so much better!!

It's also been a great opportunity to try new foods. Goats cheese, buffalo cheese, quinoa (though I've had this before), polenta... Rice milk has become a staple around here (Jordyn is inhaling the stuff). The girls are gluten-free (except at school) as well as Jason. Jason has been so good about it also, which has been a huge help to me. I never thought I'd see him eat gluten-free bread...but he does!!

I'm really enjoying the experimentation, to be honest... except the sheep yogurt. I'm still having flashbacks to that one. Ick. I've taken to photographing some of my food, actually, because I've found that needing to think so much about what I eat has led to creating much more beautiful things than before. I mean, how often do we eat ham sandwiches, chips, unexciting looking salads, etc. These things don't sound or look good at all. Food, however, is not only artwork for the taste buds but also for the eyes. I honestly believe that you eat with your eyes first and cooking something, for yourself or others, is a beautiful way to love, care, and show how much you value them or yourself. When you think on how food impacts people and how experiencing gorgeous flavors is such a sensual experience, it becomes clear that it really is an amazing gift from God and we ought to take the time to create and enjoy it.

Anyway, here are a few things I've made recently...

My first gluten-free dinner. Not exciting. Simple and yummy Scottish salmon with soft goats cheese on mixed lettuce and garlic and onion wild rice. Yum!

The kids wanted pizza, so I made this for them yesterday. Who wouldn't want to eat that? They devoured it! And yes, it's gluten-free!

My lunch yesterday...mixed greens with quinoa and pesto, white beans, toasted pine nuts, tomato, and a beautiful hard and mature goat cheese. Oh, it was divine!

On the not gluten-free front, I've done a couple of cakes the last week. Here they are for your viewing pleasure...

Ode to Bread...

Oh, bread. Wonderful bread. Beautiful bread. Though I know you've been adulterated lately, with the advent of mass manufactured brands of sugary, chemically yuckiness that masquerade as bread, you, in your most rustic of forms, remain the crusty deliciousness of my dreams. The glorious mopper upper of delicious sauces. The gorgeous foundation on which to build a pesto, tomato, and mozzarella salad. I will miss you...





Now I embark on a bread free life journey. I feel almost like I've lost a close friend. :...(





So what's the story here? Well......about, ehm, 6 years ago I started having stomach pain. A year later, I tested positive for gluten intolerance. I ignored it because a gluten free diet is actually pretty gross. Hold on. Okay, I just had a vomit reflex when I remember back to the short time I tried a gluten free diet. Ew. I'm better now.





Anyway, it's been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I realized a couple of months ago that a lot of the "stuff" I deal with (that makes me feel like a hypochondriac (which means I am not going to tell you about all of it)) can be caused by coeliac disease and that the blood test is actually pretty accurate. Going gluten free was too much to ask, however, and I decided that I needed to wait to have a biopsy of the small intestine first. That hasn't happened.





I realized just today that there is another factor involved that makes it actually very likely that gluten intolerance is my problem. I'm not going to tell you about that either because I don't feel like I'm at liberty to say just now.





Anyway, I'm convicted now that it's time...it's time to make the change. But how?? I'd start with dinner, I decided earlier today. Searching my cabinets yielded very little that I could actually eat, really, and even less (actually about nothing) that could be made into anything resembling a meal. I had oatmeal with raisins and almonds and honey. Afterwards, I decided I should check the packaging. Whoops, the oats were processed in a plant that also deals with wheat. I'll start at breakfast tomorrow. Not sure what I'll have. A trip to the grocery store is in order, I believe.





I'm also wondering in the midst of all this whether I ought to go all the way and cut out dairy for a time. I read that lactose intolerance seems to come along with gluten intolerance about half the time. I wonder if a latte would be good with rice milk. Hm...





Okay, well, I obviously have my work cut out for me. This means that, alas, I ought to go to bed since I have much to do tomorrow. I also have to do Jordyn's homework with her (cringe) in the morning since we weren't really able to get through it tonight. She is supposed to write something about Australia since, I guess, they've been talking about it at school. I guess Jordyn wasn't listening that day. We therefore spent a lot of time looking up Australia info on Google, which then led to looking at pictures of all the scary bugs that live there. Jordyn loves bugs. Have I mentioned that? Oh yes, she LOVES them. She was particularly interested in the spiders...the poisonous ones. Now I'm wondering if she needs to so a psychologist. Nevertheless, we went out looking for spider pic after spider pic. Here's one of the favorites...

Yes, he is looking right at you. I'm sure he wants to eat you. Eeek!

Now I'm certain I will be dreaming of spiders. Plus, I have a brand new memory bank of horrifying spiders to draw from. Oh yay!

To mommies of little girls...

Dear mommies of little girls,

I read an article yesterday about a 16 year old girl who went on a post-Christmas diet with her mom and, one year later, died of complications from anorexia.
I realize we cannot block the effect modern culture is going to have on our girls, but the fact of the matter is that we are in front of them every day and, whether we like it or not, they are learning how to be and how to feel about themselves from US!!! If you're like me, it must make you wonder what kind of behavior and attitudes you're modelling, even ones that you're unaware of.
How often do we complain about what we look like? How do we talk about ourselves? What eating habits are we teaching our girls? Do we diet? Do we show them that, to us, food is the enemy? Basically, what are our fundamental beliefs and attitudes about ourselves, our appearance, food, and exercise? How would you feel if your daughter felt that way? Would it break your heart? I believe that chances are good that the attitudes you have about yourself will transfer to your daughter, even if you believe you're doing a good job hiding it.
I am sure that all this is quite simplistic...but isn't it time that we take a look at ourselves so we can potentially save our daughters psychologically and physically?
If you'll do some reading and be honest with yourself, I believe that many of us will find that, even though we might not be in the clutches of a full blown eating disorder, we all possess fundamental disordered attitudes about food, it's place in our lives, and ourselves.
I sure don't have this figured out, but my heart is aching over this issue at the moment.
Did you know that 81 percent of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat???? Or that 46 percent of 9-11 year olds are sometimes or often on diets and that 82 percent of their families are also sometimes or very often on diets??? Plus, this information is from 2005, so I wonder how much worse it is now!
I guess it's just hit me really hard the last few days since Jordyn turned 7, since that news article came out, and since it's just been on my heart lately.
Ladies, think about what you're demonstrating for your daughter. Maybe it's time we stop idolizing Hollywood and comparing ourselves to what we think we should be rather than learning to praise God for what and who He made us to be. Perhaps it's time we stopped dieting and started eating healthy food...and learn what healthy food actually is!!! I also wonder if it's time we started turning the stupid TV OFF so that all the negative and destructive attitudes that stream in through it (and that we PAY for) will stop poisoning not only our thinking but our daughter's thinking (and sons, for that matter).
Trust me, I don't even have the most basic of these done in my own life. But I do think that it's time for us mommies to stop the nonsense!!

Thanks for reading.

Love, Sarah

Practice cake

I finished my first topsy turvy cake. I have a bigger one coming up for a wedding in a few weeks, so I figured that, although the technique is relatively simple, I had better decide how I like my angles cut, etc. Despite a few issues, I think it turned out alright. Jordyn tells me she likes it, anyway. She's always such a good encourager! If I'm feeling down about something, Jordyn will always say just the right thing to make me feel good. :)

I'm curious what other people think. So, let me know, if you want!

Working on the house.

It hit me a few days ago that we have been living in Cambridge for nearly 3 months. Or is it just over 3 months? Okay, somewhere around 3 months. As this realization hit me, I looked around our lovely house and was also struck be the fact that there are a couple of rooms grossly unfinished as well as lots of stuff in those rooms that needed to be assembled, put in another room, hung on the wall, etc. The initial feeling that washed over me was this: "If I'd stop being such a lazy butt, this would all be finished!" Then, since that wasn't a very nice way to feel, for who likes to feel lazy, I decided this: "If Jason would just assemble that stuff, I could do "my" work and finish this place up." This felt much more comfortable, because, of course, it was someone else's fault. Then, a few days later, a wonderful person I know who moved recently (since our move), posted pictures of her beautiful home...all decorated and pretty. I took another mental look around our house, and thought, yet again: "Holy crud, Sarah! You still have unpacked boxes and loads of things to sort through and sell!! Aren't you a horrible house wife?!?!?" Now, I've realized since that moment that this person only posted pictures of certain rooms, and I am making assumptions about all the other rooms. For all I know, those other rooms could be full of boxes. Probably aren't, but the thought makes me feel better.
So now I'm a woman on a mission. By hell or high water, this place is going to be FINISHED and ORGANIZED by the time the girls go back to school. That means I have 3 weeks to accomplish my task, which is, by my thinking, no small task. I had to ask myself: "Self, why do you think you shouldn't assemble those flat packed items? You could at least give it a try, and then, if it doesn't go very well, you can leave it all over the floor so that Jason has to step over it and will, then, finish it." I few weeks ago, I assembled a shelf thing in the girls' play room. I still had two book shelves to do. Yesterday, that's what I did. The first one didn't go perfect since I had 6 extra pieces left over at the end and the base board was turned the wrong way. It seemed stable enough, so onward I pushed. The second shelf went quickly and smoothly! YA! Hey, they even fit perfectly on one of the walls. Does it get better than that? So the project then was to finish organizing the room, which I did today. I even put labels on shelves and tubs so that the girls will, in theory, be more likely to follow the new rules and tidy up after themselves. I still have a couple things to hang on the wall, but since they are really big, I need Jason to help hold them up while I hammer.
Today I've been working on the girls' room as well, which was actually almost done already. However, I have found that both children have sprouted even more in the last few months and, though I went through ALL the clothes before we moved, I had to go through the process again. It's kind of sad to see the old clothes go because I get kind of attached to them...and it means those two are getting older. Additionally, we asked the girls to clean their disaster of a room a few weeks ago. Though we were both so pleased at the cleanliness and speed at which they acheived such cleanliness, we realized soon after that the mess had simply migrated to under the bed. Oh man, it was BAD. When we were packing up to head to Paris, I had to go into their room to get a certain book for thier back packs, at which point Jordyn woke up and told me that if I was looking for good stuff, I should look under their bed...because there was "LOADS" of stuff under there.
Anyway, I also assembled one of those shelf things that goes over the toilet. I was particularly pleased with that one, because it had cabinet doors, which ended up lining up pretty good!! YAY!!
So now that I've spent this time writing this lovely note to whoever chooses to read it, I must be off and begin my work again!

Problems

Okay, though I have loads more to say about Paris and pictures to post, I've had something on my mind today that I felt like writing about and, I guess, sharing.
It hit me really hard this morning, when I woke up all cranky and PMS-ish, that all I wanted to do was moan and complain about how much it sucks. Why do I have to deal with this? The emotions and fatigue usually serve as an excuse to act pretty badly toward, if no one else, my husband and children.
At the same time, I find myself very stuck on the question of whether I will lean on God in the hard times. I usually think of hard times as religious persecution or financial difficulties...you know, something really big. I mean, how many of us have been asked, or asked ourselves, if we would reject Jesus Christ in the face of death, like if there was a gun being held to our heads or something? I think we (well, at least me) like to think about these huge, glorious proclamations of faith and how we might be able to stand for Christ in those situations. Don't we all look to someone like Paul and think, "why doesn't God use me like that?" Maybe we think that if God would use us like that and work such amazing miracles through us, then we could be stronger in our faith and bold in spreading His message. Also, I think that we have a tendency to look at people who are, perhaps, going through those big trials and are maybe not handling it in the graceful way we think they should as Christians. But, I find myself asking myself, what about the small things we are faced with on a daily basis? What makes us think that we would hold firm in the big things if we cannot even hold firm in the smallest things? What gives us the right to criticize someone else's response to trials if we cannot even cope with our small problems? For me, today, it's about being a victim to my tumultuous emotional state. I'm tired. I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm cranky. Jason's breathing is driving me nuts (sorry, baby... :) ). I get angry, then, because I feel like a slave to these feelings and resent that I've been stricken with them.
I think lots of us feel similarly, whether it's about PMS or whatever. I mean, maybe it's hating something about the way we look. Maybe it's an irritating situation in our lives that we can't seem to get rid of. Maybe it's about an urge that we feel unable to cope with or control.
What makes us think that these small things are not trials God has placed in our lives? If they in fact are, how are we coping with them? Are we using them as an opportunity to draw closer to God, to depend on him just that little bit more, or do we use it as an excuse to feel sorry for ourselves or get angry or try to control?
I wonder if we should actually feel blessed for these small (or big) irritations. If we had everything...perfect health, perfect looks, all the money in the world...would we start to feel a little too comfortable and at home here in this world? The fact that we are humbled, that our eyes have been opened through our pain and problems to realize our need for God is, in actuality, a precious gift. So, though I hate the way I feel and I pray daily for God to release me from the various issues I suffer with, I will praise him for them nonetheless and rely in his strength to cope, rather than my own.
And maybe, just maybe, those people around us who struggle and who we like to look down on are actually placed there for us to help without judgment or expectation. How often do we ignore or criticize someone's suffering or response to suffering and do nothing? I think we are blessed with gifts so that we can use them to serve others during their times of need. Maybe this blessing is money, or maybe it's encouragement, or maybe it's, well, I dunno.
Anyway, just some thoughts I'm having. If anyone has any comments, I welcome them. :)
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him."
James 1:12

Paris

The most difficult part of writing a blog post is getting started. So here I sit, Dr Pepper Zero fizzing away in front of me and an amazing weekend behind me, feeling rather empty headed. Actually, my head is full, way too full. This means that I have absolutely no idea where to start. I guess that I might as well begin with the mundane and then, hopefully, move on to the interesting bits. Here we go.
I am experimenting with various versions of sponge cake. I'd imagine that, to many, that is very un-exciting, but the truth is that finding the perfect cake is a hard thing to do. I have found what I believe is the perfect buttercream, the perfect chocolate cake, and now I simply need the perfect white cake (well, more like vanilla sponge cake). I had a woman say to me a couple weeks back that she didn't imagine it would be very hard to make a sponge cake, at which point I thought, "you obviously have never made a sponge cake before." Anyone who has tried to make a cake, without a cake mix of course, will realize that finding the perfect balance of flavor, moistness and fluffiness is actually extremely difficult. Even just changing the flour can dramatically transform a cake. A chocolate cake should not be too dense or too intensely chocolatey. The perfect chocolate cake, to me, is light a fluffy and tastes mild at first. As you chew, it should transform into fudgy goodness in your mouth...almost like melted chocolate. This, of course, makes you want to take another bite! The perfect buttercream should not be too sweet and NOT gritty. I'm sorry, but confectioners sugar does not make good buttercream. Also, one should never, ever, ever use shortening instead of butter. Never, ever, ever. I realize this does not mean that the buttercream ends up white, but it's so worth it. Real vanilla extract is not clear anyway, so that will turn your buttercream off white. You can use clear, artificial vanilla flavor, but, people, this is simply wrong. It's defiling something beautiful! Now, I can make a good white cake, but it just isn't quite satisfactory to me. One of the ones I make is SO yummy, but way too dense. The other one is fluffy, but actually I think it is kinda bread-like and not as flavorful as I want. Jason assures me that they are both good, but I must find perfection...or, at least, something I feel satisfied with. So, with six variations on one recipe in the kitchen (they are cupcakes, which makes it easier to goof around with the batter and not make a whole new cake), I'm waiting in anticipation for my taste tester to arrive (that would be Jason).
On to more interesting news...we went to Paris over the weekend! YAY! Now, I should not complain, but I'm going to complain just a little right now. I have to say that riding a bus for HOURS with two kids and a woman with smelly feet behind you is pretty terrible. It was worth it, however, since we were heading to Paris. I certainly did not believe that Paris would be so amazing. You see pictures and hear about it, but being there is different. It is a truly spiritual experience to see the beauty that can come from the human imagination. It makes the experience all the more poignant when you realize that these monuments have such a bloody, violent, and painful history. Perhaps there is not a more perfect example of this than Notre Dame. Such an awe inspiring and majestic wonder that is somehow eerie, sad, and mournful all at once. It's kind of like a weeping willow...a tree reaching for the heights, but constantly being dragged down toward the earth in a sort of sad beauty. This, to me, is Paris. I loved it. Of everything I loved about it, I loved most the Louvre! Okay, I heard professors talk and talk about Medieval history and the Renaissance and all the literature and art that came from those time periods, but to actually see these things was amazing. I've always wondered what the big deal was with the Mona Lisa...but, people, to see this painting makes it all make sense. When you walk through the door behind where the Mona Lisa is hung, there is a tall gallery. If you're ever there, look up. The painting up there is amazing...the artist's ability to make the figures look alive, as if they are actually sitting there looking down on you, is a wonder. If you do find yourself there, please look for a painting called "The Young Martyr" that is in that gallery. Beautiful and haunting. The darkness all around the woman in contrast to the brightness and life in her face definitely conveys the reality that, in her death, the darkness and pain of the world passed away and she was truly alive. Maybe that sounds dumb, but if you ever see it in real life, let me know what you think.
I've got to get the girls to tennis soon, so I'd better post pics later. I'll do that tonight. Until then...

Silly kids and cute cupcakes!

Well, not much to say tonight. It was a busy day with lots of housework, a trip to the gym, a trip to the cake supply store, laundry, and making some cupcakes. The girls enjoyed helping me with the cupcakes as well as eating a few of the chocolates that went inside of them. They also enjoyed being my little cupcake taste testers. Yum.
In a couple of days we head to Paris. Our first proper trip to the mainland has all of us excited, especially the girls. I have to admit that I was a little hohum about the whole thing, but the girls' excitement has proven to be very contagious! I'm very much looking forward to trying to find some authentic French Brie and sampling some fabulous bread. Oh ya, and then there is all the culture, right?
Anyway, I thought that I'd post some pics I took of the kids and the cupcakes. I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that I left out the pictures the girls took, at which time I heard them saying, "hehehehehe....now lets take a picture of your booty....hehehehe." Where did that come from? Surely they did not get such a sick sense of humor from their mother!! ;)

What I've Learned Today

So here I am again. I've been making an effort to not write today because I fear I will look like I don't have anything else to do. I'm also afraid that I'll divulge too much information about what's going on today because I have a feeling I talk way too openly about stuff that probably shouldn't be talked about.
Okay, I'm gonna do it. I just can't help myself. Today is the official preparation day for what is supposed to happen tomorrow. What happens tomorrow is, ehm, an attempt to figure out what causes all my terrible intestinal distress. This attempt is going to focus on the, uh, lower parts of the intestines, if you know what I'm sayin'. Oh the dread! Oh the agony!!
I just have to say that I feel really bad and I REALLY want to EAT!! I'm not sure to what extent I actually do feel as bad as I do and to what extent I feel really sorry for myself and so imagine that I feel worse than I do. Besides that, I've learned a lot of really interesting things today.
First interesting thing is that my husband is friggin AWESOME. Yes, I already knew this, but he demonstrated it yet again in such a sweet way today. First, because I'm kind of needing to stay home all day, he has taken the girls to their holiday club and will leave work to bring them home. Despite the fact that he is working, all by himself, on something very important that MUST be done tomorrow, he took the morning off to be with me in my emotional distress. He sure didn't have to stay with me, but he did nonetheless. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? He also keeps calling me to see how everything is, um, coming along. So sweet.
Second, I've discovered that chemistry lab must be really cool. The "special drink" I have to have is some kind of magnesium s.... er, something. When I pour it into water it gets all crazy fizzy and makes fizzing noises and emits a really cool cloud of smoke (yes, I know it's gas or something, but smoke sounds much cooler). It totally makes me feel like a scientist. Then I get to drink it, which is kind of like experimenting my scary concoction on myself. Isn't that like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or something?
Third, I've learned that bile, which comes from the liver and aids in the absorption of fat and fat soluble vitamins, is bright green. As it passes through your intestines it turns brown, which makes poo brown. If it passes through your intestines too fast, it doesn't have a chance to turn brown and, therefore, comes out green. I didn't know that.
Fourth, feeling really bad and tired from not eating and stuff makes you not feel up to getting off your butt (unless, as in my case, you kind of HAVE to from time to time). What this has meant is that I've spent a lot of time reading the Bible and thinking about it. Although I'm sure the spiritual value of fasting is still beyond me, it seems as if the results of depriving yourself of food allow you to sit and focus on things that you usually don't take the time to sit and focus on. I'm not cleaning because I feel like I'm kinda gonna pass out (until I force myself to drink some Gatorade, which helps) when I'm up and about. Being in the kitchen makes me REALLY want to eat, so I totally stay out of there. Thus, I sit with quiet and my thoughts and am allowed to study and focus on it in a way that I don't normally. I think it also helps that I'm not just fasting, but that I have to stay home all day and can't keep myself otherwise occupied or busy with various things. It's actually pretty cool.
Fifth, I REALLY HATE Gatorade. Passionately.
So now that the three people who actually read this are probably really grossed out, I feel much better since I've had a chance to vent a little. I wasn't gonna tell anyone what test I was having because it's kind of embarrassing, but what difference does it make really?
Anyhoo, yesterday I took some pictures with the kids. Obviously, I had just gotten them each a hot chocolate. I guess I'm off then.

Sports Day

It hit me just now that I never posted pictures of Jordyn's sports day this year!! How could I? I think I will do just that.

So here's the deal. As most know, Jordyn just started at her new school last term. That means several great things (i.e. Jordyn is much happier, showing greater progress, showing huge advances in confidence, etc), but it also means some really irritating things (i.e. we have NO idea how things run around the place and, as it isn't the beginning of the school year no one thinks to tell us ANYTHING!!!). For instance, for about the first week or two of school, I would stand at the door and ring the bell and wait for someone to let us in at drop off. Somehow, I never noticed that lots of parents were able to get in. But they were. Once Jason got home, he quickly discovered that (a) we were allowed to know the code and (b) what the code is. Why didn't someone tell me?? Then we got the school calendar, which, I'm quite convinced, is actually written in a different language which looks deceptively similar to English, but actually is not. Jordyn's teacher kindly supplied us with a copy of said calendar, but neglected to provide some sort of key to deciphering the code words and names that littered the thing. I found myself utterly confused about which events we were supposed to attend...actually, I was confused about what the events were at all. So we relied on Jordyn to tell us stuff, which proved unreliable. She told me that the morning of the Spring Concert she was supposed to be dropped at the church super early. Um, nope. She neglected to tell us about her country presentation (which we found out about from other parents, quite by accident I might add). So, the day before her class assembly (important day), she said that we were supposed to go along. We didn't really believe her. That morning I got all dressed for the gym (pony tail, no make up, gym shorts, trainers) and dropped her at school only to discover that she'd been right this time. I was informed that I had roughly 30 minutes to wait around until the event. That was just enough time to ride my bike home and turn around and come back in the car so that I could drive to the class I had booked later that morning. So I finally walk in for this assembly, still in my shorts and pony tail, to find all the other parent's in suits, ties, and skirts. UGH!

Anyway, all this to say that we were told where sports day was to be held, but I guess people thought we knew where the place was. I had the brilliant idea of using Google, which we did. Ya, um, I guess that the college playing grounds aren't actually AT the college. UGH! Then we had to figure out where the college playing grounds actually were, which wasn't very easy since all the teachers and office staff were at the field and not in the office to answer calls and, therefore, our question. We drove here, we drove there. I finally went into the reception office at the college and asked, at which point Jason simultaneously called the upper school and asked them. AHA, we knew where to go. About 30 minutes later we finally arrived (even though it was only about 2 miles. Yep, traffic is that bad).

Jordyn was a little irked with us when we got there, but we made it there and were already on our way to recovering from the unavoidable marital strife that accompanies aimlessly driving around very busy streets with no idea where you're going while you're already super late for your daughter's important day. Yep, we pasted on the smiles.

Jordyn didn't win any of her races, poor kid. She's not exactly the sportiest type. That's alright. I'm proud of her for giving it her all. Plus, she looked super cute in her tight blue shorts, pulled up in a rather Urkel-esque sort of way, with her way-too-big polo tucked in, which created a very amusing mass of bulges around her waist. She's such a sweet kid.

My race wasn't much better than hers, to be honest. I think just running would have been shameful enough. No, us mums had to race with tennis balls balanced on tennis rackets. Not exactly my thing. Why can't us moms have a sparring match or something? Ya, everyone could gather around us in a big circle and yell "fight, fight, fight" and the last mom standing can win the blue ribbon. I think that maybe I'd do alright in that situation.

Maddy won her race. She was very pleased. All the dads were really competitive as well. Jason said a lot of them remembered which dad won last year and who was fast, etc. Guess what?? Jason won. He's the super fast, cool dad. Shocker. I think he was more pleased with himself than he'd be willing to admit. Their blue ribbons are still hanging in the kitchen.

So, that's it I guess. We are proud of our little, sweet Jordyn and our fast daddy and Maddy. Now I'd better attach those pics and get cleaned up so I can go get the kids from their little club this afternoon.

Still avoiding the dishes

I'm so tired today and do NOT want to do that sink of dirty dishes that is STILL taunting me from the kitchen sink. Ugh. Walking into a very messy kitchen first thing in the morning is, well, just very depressing. It makes me feel like a really big slob. I should be down there doing them right now.
However, I'm pooped and stressed. It's Tuesday. Tuesday is 2 days before Thursday. Thursday is gonna STINK. Thursday is the day before Friday. Friday is gonna STINK. I am not willing to say why, but any prayers that people are willing to offer up for me on those days would be much appreciated. I'm going to need a very good attitude those days, that's all I'm gonna say. Pray that the Lord will be with me and help me maintain a good attitude. Okay?
I'm pooped because last night was one of those marital discussion nights. We seem to have a LOT of those in the few months following a trip, which, sadly, is very frequent as we seem to be always either getting over a trip or preparing for one....or in the middle of one. I think people want to make it appear as if they have perfect marriages, like they don't fight and are always understanding of one another's needs. I think a "good" marriage is quite the opposite because I believe that the nature of marriage has a very irritating tendency of showing us our flaws and areas of extreme selfishness. We then have a choice. We can choose to work through things, to show compassion and ask for compassion in turn, or we can choose feed our selfish nature. I just don't think you can have it both ways. It seems like it is only through this gruelling process that we are allowed to, slowly over time, actually achieve real unity and be able to feel and show true love and affection for one another. I mean, is that thing we feel in the beginning of a relationship really love??? I would say that, in many cases, it is not. What we feel is perhaps a part of love, the nice "high" of emotion that we get from love. True love, however, is being willing to sacrifice ourselves for another. How many of us are willing to do that? How many of us would allow our partners to tell them their deepest, darkest shame and be willing to show acceptance and compassion? Holy cow, quite often I am not even able to show compassion in even the small things. On top of that, how often are we willing to humble ourselves and confess our deepest shame to our partners? How often are we even willing to admit it to ourselves?
Anyway, that's where my mind is this morning. I'm gonna head to the gym and lift some weights now.