A hole. A self-imposed solitude. Hardly. Solitude. HAH!! No, rather, a self-imposed cutting off from outer stimuli. This stimulimitation is what I like to call my "hole," though, upon reflection, I find that "hole" is by no means a fitting word. Being in a hole would make one think of darkness, quietness, sitting around with nothing to do...complete quiet, still solitude.
Solitude is something I only have a vague intellectual idea of. I have no experiential understanding of what this word means. Thus, how can I liken my present state of being as hole-like? Truly, I cannot.
So how then can I describe to the outside world what this intended self-preserving stance toward the world is? How can I adequately describe it's purpose? What would the point of such a venture be anyway?
The point, my friends, is that I would like to know what it is and why I do it so I can get over the intense guilt I feel from "crawling" in my "hole." Oh, and I have my first attempt at gluten free cupcakes in the oven and, to ease the nagging anticipation of the outcome of this frustrating venture (long story), I decided to write. Not to make any readers feel bad, but my first inclination was to call someone. Jason? No...at this point we are just sitting on the phone saying, "I love you," or, "I miss you," now and then with increasingly long intervals of quiet in between. Has everything been said? Hardly. It's just that I've discovered that dudes can only stand so much female hashing and rehashing over the same subjects that plague the female mind. Thus, though I cannot always resist, I do try to spare him this agony. Then I thought about my sisters. Nah. Truth is that I feel pretty pathetic sometimes when I call and want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk (because they are my sisters and I have lots to say to them I guess) and then realize that they have lives that are on hold while I utilize them to fill the void that is left in Jason's absence. So here I am, cakes in the oven, typing away and realizing that I don't even remember what I was writing about anymore.
....Oh ya, my "hole." See, we've already established that what I've historically referred to as being my "hole" is actually nothing of the sort. I feel better already.
To more adequately describe this psychological shift that occurs, I think I must first delve into the reasons driving this shift. Well, Jason's gone. I'm sad, yes, but more than that I am overwhelmed by everything. Not that there is necessarily more to be done around here because, though I hate to hurt his feelings, he isn't exactly Mr. Clean, but the tasks he does take on are my "dreaded" tasks...like making appointments, going to the bank to make transfers, making any phone calls in general, checking my voice mail (why do I hate that? good question). Beyond that, sometimes my little psyche just has a hard time coping with this world. My man helps me cope. He makes me feel better, protected, like everything's gonna be okay. Having my psyche propped up, if you will, makes social interaction, which is an exhausting (though enjoyable) task for me, so much easier. With my psychological support structure taken away, I feel less able to cope with things while also maintaining some level of sanity and grace in dealing with unavoidable tasks like, say, caring for my kids and keeping up with laundry.
Thus, I withdraw. At first, I try to keep up with everything. That lasts usually a week or two, at which point I realize that I just can't take it anymore. Then, as I look around my disastrous house with an overwhelming sense of, um, being overwhelmed, I withdraw as much as possible and focus on what must be focused on...my kids, supporting my man while he's away, and trying to keep the house up. As time passes, I can slowly incorporate a little outside interaction, but only on a case-by-case basis.
I think, in light of this analysis, I shall stop calling my psychological withdrawal from the outside world a "hole" and, instead, refer to it as prioritizing. My little psyche can only take so much, and my energy only extends so far. Thus, I must prioritize or I'll end up running so hard that I will eventually crash.
Now, I went into this particular time of separation from my man with the outlook that the Lord would sustain me and energize me for the things that needed doing. I pray for this daily. This has led to a fairly drastic look at my calendar to ascertain, then, what things are driven by what He would have me do and what things are driven by what I would have me do because, to be honest, He has not turned me into superwoman or added to the hours of the day. Though this sounds insanely easy, it is not. There are so many things we can do, including volunteering for good causes, etc. that we do at the expense of what God has actually called us to do in the Word. Though I'm sure those things are great and are often based on an actual calling from the Lord, I believe that we all have to discern, prayerfully, what motivates us to do these things and what we sacrifice to do them.
What I find, then, is that, biblically speaking, the primary calling on my life is to be the wife and mother He calls all us wives and mothers to be. For me, that means devoting myself to the upbringing and education (not just academic but also emotional and spiritual) of my children, creating a positive home environment, and supporting the hubster. All this must be done with gentleness, respect, quietness and dignity. Tall order...YES!
As a side note, I just have to say that gentleness and quietness aren't strong points for me at all. He'd better create that spirit in me or just accept me as I am, I guess.
I think that all this flies in the face of what modern culture, to which I have subscribed on some level, would tell me. As a woman, why should I sacrifice my "goals" and "aspirations" to raise kids and take care of some man? Shouldn't I be able to have it all...live up to my intellectual and professional potential as well as have my family there for me when I get home at night?
No, I shouldn't. Because in doing so, I'm actually giving the most powerful aspect of my womanhood to someone else. This aspect has to do with the drastic influence I have on my children (and my husband too, I've found). Us modern women want to take the lead and change the world...all the while allowing institutions to raise our children for us. Well, I'd like to ask this then: isn't the biggest impact we can have to raise and then set free into the world children who have been brought up and molded properly? Instead of this, we are all on this ego rush to obtain high position to make a "positive impact" while we are totally neglecting to impact the most important people in our lives...our children, our families, and those placed around us.
Now I can't remember my point at all. Ummm...I guess that I'm just saying that being forced out of necessity to cut back on activities allows a person to see things in a completely different light. Thus, no holes, just priorities. Or something like that.
Problem is that I still can't seem to make myself check my voice mail or call people back sometimes. Oh well, no one is perfect...
Now, let's go see how those cupcakes turned out.........
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
Setting: Dinner table eating a corn/rice pasta concoction.
Maddy: I hate water.
Mommy: You need water.
Maddy: Water isn't good for me.
Mommy: You need water because your body is made mostly of water.
Maddy: Really, mommy? Why did God make us with water?
Mommy: I don't know. Only God does.
Maddy: Why can't we hear God.
Mommy: Actually, you can hear God you just have to know how.
Jordyn: I hear God.
Mommy: (surprised at her declaration) You do?
Jordyn: Yes.
Mommy: How do you hear God? How does he talk to you?
Jordyn: (thinks for a second) In my head and in my heart.
Mommy: (in awe of her little girl) So God talks to you in your head and heart?
Jordyn: Ya.
Mommy: What does he say?
Jordyn then goes on to talk at length about how when she does something naughty she turns on her head and her heart and she remembers all the things she's been taught. For example, she marked the table with her ruler at school today. When the teacher asked who did it, she admitted that it was her because of God talking to her head and heart. When she does good things, like eating all her salad today, she hears God tell her "brilliant, Jordyn!"
Mommy: Did someone tell you about this or did you figure it out yourself?
Jordyn: I figured it out myself.
Mommy: (amazed, joyfull, humbled) ........
Maddy: I hate water.
Mommy: You need water.
Maddy: Water isn't good for me.
Mommy: You need water because your body is made mostly of water.
Maddy: Really, mommy? Why did God make us with water?
Mommy: I don't know. Only God does.
Maddy: Why can't we hear God.
Mommy: Actually, you can hear God you just have to know how.
Jordyn: I hear God.
Mommy: (surprised at her declaration) You do?
Jordyn: Yes.
Mommy: How do you hear God? How does he talk to you?
Jordyn: (thinks for a second) In my head and in my heart.
Mommy: (in awe of her little girl) So God talks to you in your head and heart?
Jordyn: Ya.
Mommy: What does he say?
Jordyn then goes on to talk at length about how when she does something naughty she turns on her head and her heart and she remembers all the things she's been taught. For example, she marked the table with her ruler at school today. When the teacher asked who did it, she admitted that it was her because of God talking to her head and heart. When she does good things, like eating all her salad today, she hears God tell her "brilliant, Jordyn!"
Mommy: Did someone tell you about this or did you figure it out yourself?
Jordyn: I figured it out myself.
Mommy: (amazed, joyfull, humbled) ........
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